I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize