I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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