My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
