cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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