I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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