My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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