she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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