got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
