Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
