i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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