I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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