I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
