I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
