I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
