I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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