I accidentally had phone sex last night
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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