I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize