then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
