Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
