hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just gargled with NyQuil
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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