Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
