Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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