Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize