oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
that is very illegal...i love you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
