i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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