I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
