Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
