He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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