i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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