i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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