the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
