i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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