when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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