Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
