dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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