i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And then my night got REAL pukey
YAS. BRING CRAB.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I deserve this hangover.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
