i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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