so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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