she looked like the before picture.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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