its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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