I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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