We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
NoShamevember. You game?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
