I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
