I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize