my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
