Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
