so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
