So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
