It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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