I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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