I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize