I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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