I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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