I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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