If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
