The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
