i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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