I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
