I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize