I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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