he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
