My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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