im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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