Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
