I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
