he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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