can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
