Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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