You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
