So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm passing your future prison.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize