I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
